Marriage, at its core, is a journey of love and respect. But
as life changes—whether through illness, retirement, or other major
transitions—it brings challenges that can strain even the most communicative
and stable relationships. As Bruce and I adjust to spending all day together,
with him navigating the limitations of his health, we are learning that the
normal dynamics of the marriage can feel disrupted. The frustration that arises
from feeling unsupported, misunderstood, or disconnected can lead to what I
call "the crazy train," where we both react out of our unmet needs.
In these moments, love and respect are often missing, and the train begins to
pick up speed and momentum.
When Bruce, feeling disrespected, reacts without love, and
when I, feeling unloved, react without respect, the relationship boards a
runaway train. We both, though trying to communicate our needs, end up
unintentionally hurting each other, leading to frustration, confusion, and
isolation. This happens because, as the Bible reminds us in Ephesians 5:33,
wives are called to respect their husbands, and husbands are called to love
their wives. When these needs are unmet, one partner feels unloved and the
other feels disrespected, sending the train barreling down the tracks.
In these moments, the challenge is to recognize that this
isn’t caused by malice or evil intent, but by misunderstanding. Women tend to
approach issues in an indirect way, sometimes trying to solve problems without
clearly communicating their needs. Men, on the other hand, often want direct
answers and solutions. When these two styles clash, one partner withdraws, and
the other feels hurt by the withdrawal, fueling the train's acceleration toward
a crash.
Understanding and respect are key. For men, respect is vital
to their sense of honor, and if they feel disrespected, they will disengage
from the relationship, thinking it is more important than the specific issue at
hand. Women, on the other hand, often act out of a desire to help, protect, or
guide, but when this is perceived as criticism, it can make their husbands feel
disrespected. The result is both partners retreating into defensive modes, and
the train keeps speeding toward a collision, unsure of how to stop.
However, this train can be slowed down and redirected when
both partners recognize their differences and the unique needs each has. As
Matthew 19:4 reminds us, God made us male and female—different, but
complementary. The challenge is to embrace these differences, understanding
that what may seem like a conflict is often a result of different ways of
processing emotions, issues, and needs.
The way out of the runaway train is through patience,
understanding, and a commitment to honoring one another. Speak truth in love.
Listen without the need to fix everything. Sometimes, you don’t need solutions,
just a partner who listens. Don’t let pride or frustration lead you to derail
your marriage. This is not about fixing everything; it’s about being there for
each other and learning to communicate with love and respect.
In all of this, marriage is not just about surviving the
difficult seasons—it’s about honoring God through your relationship. As you
navigate these challenges, remember that God sees the effort and growth in your
relationship and will reward your faithfulness, even if the rewards are not
immediate or obvious. Continue to turn to Him for strength, guidance, and
wisdom in your marriage.
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